The Great Pause
A friend and I were supposed to leave for a long road trip this month. We wanted to see everything from White Sands to Red Rocks to the Grand Tetons on as small of a budget as possible. We collected camping gear and traveler tips and even a device that converts natural water into drinking water in case our trip turned into a scene from Wild.
While a part of me is disappointed that we’ve had to postpone due to this current historic pandemic, I’ve been surprised by a greater sense of relief. Something about the pause button being pressed on the entire world right now has given me permission to exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
When it all started to go down a few weeks ago, Instagram felt like a cramped room full of people repeating the same information. No one was out in the world bringing in new experiences anymore. We were all just suddenly… stuck. And, the influx of “20-second hand washing” videos, awkward TikTok dances, and forced Zoom Happy Hours made me want to throw my phone into the heap of sweatpants in my laundry basket and scream.
Stop! Just stop!
I wanted to hear crickets. I wanted to sit still and feel the weight. I wanted to experience the space we had all been given. And, I didn’t want to cave into the impulse to fill it.
Because I had been doing that for too long. Filling space in a life I was afraid wasn’t good enough. Hustling to prove my worth. Basing my value on how favorably I was seen by other people. And, the road trip would have thrown another log on that fire.
But, this self-quarantine order has neutralized all of that. No enviable Europe trips. No fancy date nights. No poolside parties. No sports championships.
Just us. At home. In our pajamas. With no toilet paper.
What a massive opportunity for freedom. To drop our contentment anchor into the quietest, most unseen version of ourselves. To cut the ties between our worth and our image, our value and our follower count, our joy and our impressiveness. Because they’re not fundamentally related. And, the deeper and deeper we grasp that, the freer and freer we will become.
As an Enneagram 4, I struggle to find significance in the ordinary, everyday moments. If I could, I would leap from mountaintop to mountaintop and skip over the normal, everyday valleys. But, what I used to be hesitant to even consider, let alone accept, has turned out to be the most restful place for my mind to land: that I am significant simply for being me. Right here. Right now. When no one is watching.
And, that’s the greatest gift a worldwide quarantine could have given me.